Monday, February 28, 2011

Elvis Has Left the Building. With a Pirate.

Now when you think about a good time, bingo isn’t typically what comes to mind first. However, when you are rockin’ and rollin’ with Traylor, you are definitely in for a kick ass night, no matter where you end up. As I learned last weekend, this is especially true when the evening begins at the local BYOB bingo parlor.

I went with this sexy little trailer park girl that I’ve been wanting to bang for a while now. About as close as I ever got was her pumping the python underneath a picnic table while her 15 year-old son sat across from us. She was throwing a slobbery tennis ball to one of my mutts so she had that shit all over her hands. Not a bad hand job though. I guess the doggy drool made for good lubrication, I don’t know. As I’m certain you can already tell…Crystal is all about class.

So we get to the bingo parlor and it is a sweet set-up. It was so smoky in there that I probably should have been wearing some sort of breathing apparatus. And, actually, a lot of folks were…even those who had a carton of menthol Basics on the table with all of their bingo cards! Needless to say, I could tell right away this was my kind of place. I went straight to the vending machine, bought me two bingo daubers, a pack of Camels and a motherfucking Twix. (The Twix was for my lady friend. I am all about the romance.)

We sit down and get our bingo on. Now, I have an eye for the ladies so I spot this chick that was giving out the old, "Sure I will give you a hand job in the dude’s bathroom" vibe during the Crazy Kite game. I was right. I told Crystal I had to hit the shitter for a minute and made a beeline for this chick. I walk up to her and bust out the Fonzie line, "Meet me in my office." She gets up and follows me to the men’s room and asks what I want. I said it isn't what I want, it is what you want darlin’ (Of course meaning, my throbber in her hand). She commences to giving me a hand job by the urinal. It was fantastic. The only problem was that afterward I looked like I had herpes because the dye from the red dauber she was using was on her hand and rubbed off on my dick.

I get back to the table and Crystal and I ain’t winning shit! Even with her lucky rabbit's foot and my lucky "AA is for Quitters" koozie! I say, “Fuck this! Let’s hit the beer joint and sing some karaoke!” (I only bust out my karaoke skills when I am really trying to get laid so I am sure this will do the trick with Crystal).

We get to the Rig and, to my dismay, they have a fuckin’ house band playing. They weren't bad though. It was an all-girl Lynard Skynard cover band, Lady Skynard. I figured, what the hell! At least we can rock out to a little Free Bird!

We sit down at a table with an old guy dressed like Elvis, his wife who had Down’s Syndrome (and was dressed in a matching Elvis outfit) and a dude wearing an eye patch. (And yes, I do have pictures to prove that shit!) I should probably remind you that this wasn’t Elvis’ birthday, the day he died or any of that shit. Just another Friday night at the Rig.

Anyway, it turns out that eye patches really turn Crystal on! If I’d known this before, I would’ve just headed down to the Halloween Superstore, bought a patch, and saved all the money I spend on bingo cards, Busch light and Twix! Shit!

Sure enough...the next thing I know, Crystal and the gotdamn pirate are missing. I assumed correctly that she was jerking him off in the bathroom. All I can hope is that she was throwing a dirty tennis ball before she did it! I would like to say that it pissed me off, but it actually made way for me to bust a move on the drummer from Lady Skynard. It was worth it. She did this really cool trick with her drumsticks later on that evening. I never knew a lady could take a pair of drumsticks that deep. From the top to the bottom!

All in all, it turned out to be a pretty kick ass night. I got a hand job at the bingo parlor and got laid by the Lady Skynard drummer. Then I got to watch as Elvis, his Pretty Priscilla, Sergio the Pirate, and Crystal as "they left the building."

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