Are You Ready Kids? I Can’t Hear YOUUUUUUU!!!

Momma has been staying at the house this week. Her boyfriend got upset when the local grocery discontinued the sale of RC cola, so he went on a bender in protest. Now, thanks to this fuckin’ retard, I have to put up with her shit until he gets back on the wagon in a week or so. All of that aside, Momma is a crazy bitch. She is tougher than most men I’ve met. I’ve seen her yank a dude out of Chevette by the back of his mullet and commence to kickin’ the dog shit out of him.

Along with Momma comes her passion for watching the neighbors’ kids. It is nothing for Momma to have 6 or 7 kids running around the house while their parents are out getting shit-faced and trying to make more babies. Of course, that bullshit isn't going to fly at my casa. I told her only one kid is allowed in the "Stabbin’ Cabin" at a time. The only reason I agreed to that was because she gets pissy and I didn't feel like getting slapped across the lips with a fuckin’ fly swatter later on in the evening. So this particular night, little Eugene was the lucky kid.

While Momma is in the master bedroom giving Eugene a bath in the garden tub, I’m in the living room watching “The Lost Episodes of Hee-Haw.” Then there was a knock on the door which signaled the chain of events that was about to begin.

It was Charlene, the fuckin’ ex-wife. Of course, "The Bitch" is fucked up on wine coolers and Xanax and is wanting some money. I told her simply, "Bitch. Momma is here. You better leave if you know what is good for you.” "Fuck that bitch!" was the statement that came out of her mouth and, thus, the first shot was fired in what was about to be one helluva ass whoopin’.

Momma comes rushing out of the back carrying Eugene, who was wrapped up in a Sponge Bob Square Pants beach towel. (Eugene is ten years old, by the way.)

Momma says to Charlene, "Bitch! You better get the fuck out of this trailer before I tear your ass up! I ain’t gonna have you in here talking crazy in front of this kid!" (I think the irony of that statement was lost on Momma.)

I issue my standard comment for these instances, "Hey! Everybody be cool..." Unfortunately, it was too late for such advice. Charlene had already got the shit started and it was about to get ugly.

Charlene says to us, "What the fuck ever! I ain’t leavin’ until I get my Sponge Bob beach towel back. That's my shit you fuckin’ hard on!"

About the same time that statement was made, Charlie Daniels was introduced by Buck Owens to play his new hit song, The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Momma rips the Sponge Bob towel off of Eugene and the beat down was about to begin nice and proper. Momma screams, "You want this towel bitch!? You’re gonna take it home stuffed up your sorry whore ass!"

Charlene starts to run, but unfortunately for her, it was too late. Momma grabs her by the back of the pants and is trying to rip them off in order to carry through with her threat of sending Sponge Bob on a trip up her turd cutter. As Charlene is screaming and struggling to keep her pants up, little Eugene is standing there, butt ass nekkid, eating a Chick-O-Stick that he picked up off the counter and crying. I’m yelling to the bitch "I told you stupid!" I should remind you that all of this is happening with The Devil Went Down to Georgia playing in the background like a motherfucking soundtrack.

Momma, unable to get Charlene’s britches down, wraps the Sponge Bob towel around her neck and drags her out the front door and throws her down the stairs. Her pants catch on a nail that’s sticking out and rip her pants. Charlene is running toward the street, her shredded pants around her ankles, with Momma in hot pursuit. As funny as that whole picture was, I started to feel bad for Charlene. Not to mention, I didn't want the cops over at the trailer tonight because of a certain pound of a certain leafy substance that was in the back bedroom.

I chase Momma down, with Nekkid Eugene running right behind me and pull her off of Charlene. This gave Charlene just enough time to crawl into her Nova and get the hell out of there.

Momma, myself and Nekkid Eugene are standing in the driveway as the bitch pulls away. We are staring, in silence, at the Sponge Bob towel lying in the road that started this whole fiasco. Momma says, "Fuckin’ Sponge Bob..." I nod my head in agreement. This isn't the first time a brawl has broken out in the trailer because of Sponge Bob. I would love to go down to that pineapple under the sea and kick his little yellow porous ass. Just one time.

"Traylor" Park Wisdom #2: When a Dude Looks Like a Lady

If a chick in a beer joint asks you to fingerbang her in the butthole, she isn't a chick. More than likely, "her" real name is Toby. Wash your fingers and introduce yourself accordingly.

Sweet ‘N Low

I don't think it would be a leap of faith for you to assume that I frequent tit joints. I love those gotdamn dens of sin…they cock my fuckin’ trigger! There’s something about a woman who will strut her stuff with a missing limb and C-section scars that just gets me going! But I am always on the lookout for something special…you know, the “pièce de résistance” if you will (with emphasis on the “piece”). Well, my friends, I’m happy to report that I think I finally found it.

I took a trip out to Tuscon a while back for the bi-annual National Conference for Washateria Assistant Managers. They typically unveil the newest washers and dryers with a lot of extra bullshit that my clientele would have no use for or, at the very least, appreciate. I only need three settings on my washers:

1. Dirty

2. Fuckin’ Filthy

3. Clothes with Blood & Shit on Them

Anyway, I am cruising the strip around 3am and I spot this little place off on a side street. It's called The Small Box and it has a neon sign shaped like a gift box, with two tiny stilettos sticking out and a giant bow on top. Obviously this was some kinda tit joint and, from the looks of it, a really classy one at that. Just my style!

So I whip the PT Cruiser rental into the parking lot and proceed to check this motherfucker out. But, being 3am and all, it was already closed for the night. Unfuckinreal! I was hoping to get a middle-of-the-night blow or hand job before I headed back to the Desert Sands Motel.

Just as I was about to hit up 7-11 for some baby oil and a Plumpers fuck mag, a group of at least 7 female midgets rounds the corner from the back. I thought I crashed that sweet PT Cruiser, died, and went to Heaven! From the looks of things, they were dancers in this club that the Gods had led me to!  Before I could strike up a conversation, the ladies were all hustled into a handicap van and whisked away to the magical land from which they came. I ran up to the door to check the hours of operation, jotted them down on my official Speed Queen notepad (I earned it by watching some twat give a demonstration on different spin cycles) and I sped away.

The place was set to open at 10am on the dot the next day. All I needed to do now was juggle my seminar on clothes folding tables and my trip to the exhibit hall to pick up my “Washaterias Make Change Happen” t-shirt. Needless to say, I woke up super early that morning. I couldn't contain my excitement. I was like a white trash kid who was about to take his first fuckin’ trip to Six Flags! I was geeked up baby!!!

At 9:30, I enter the seminar and I immediately fake a seizure. I tell the guys that I just have to lie down for a bit and that I’ll definitely be back for the afternoon session, "Blood Spills and You."

I sneak out the back of the motel and am on my way. I pull in right at 10am and I hustle straight to the front entrance. It was "Legs & Eggs" Thursday at this precious little midget tit bar. I was so excited that I thought I might bust a nut right there just walking through the door.

I was the first dude in, which landed me a prime time seat right up front. I pulled my moist one dollar bills out of my pocket and piled them up high on the table in front of me. The first dancer came out to Unskinny Bop. Hell yeah!!! The DJ said her name was "Itty Bitty" and good God was she ever! She had a fake foot but, fuckin A, she could work that pole like nobody’s business! This vertically-challenged little sweetheart was such a pro that, when her prosthetic fell off and flopped onto my pile of dollar bills, she didn’t even skip a beat. She crawled on all fours and picked that little foot up with her mouth and kept right on rockin’!

There were a couple more dancers. They were okay, nothing spectacular. Same old shit in a smaller package for the most part. But the fourth one was what I had come for. When I heard "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!! AND YOU’RE TO BLAME!" start blaring over the loud speaker, I knew right then I was going to go through my dollar bills faster than my ex-old lady through a bottle of Vicodin!

"Sweet ‘N Low" came struttin' out and I fell in love! (Well, if only for the rest of the afternoon). She looked like a short version of Demi Moore and her titties were just as big. She had a big ole 80's bush happening and, to cap it all off, taped to the side of her hip was an insulin pump! If I’ve ever encountered a more pure vision of beauty, I don’t recall.

As I suspected, my pile of dollar bills disappeared in no time flat, then I made my move on this tiny dancer. I had to have her! I motioned for her to come out and see me after she got off stage. She walked over to me as fast as those little stubs could carry her. I introduced myself and asked her if she wanted a drink. She said that her sugar was low, so I ordered her an orange juice and a cookie.

I talked her up for a while and I finally decided to bust a move and invite her to our Washateria Assistant Managers' Mixer later that night at the motel. Can you believe that little munchkin had the nerve to turn ME down!?! Apparently she was about to start her period and had a diabetic pump adjustment scheduled for that afternoon. I was disappointed because I wanted the chance to become even more of legend by strolling off in that motherfuckin mixer with a midget stripper on my arm (or leg, more than likely) .

She felt really bad, though, and invited me to the V.I.P. Room for a free "dance." To this day, it's the only time I've gotten head from somebody who wasn't sitting, kneeling or laying down. Not to mention, taking an insulin shot while she did it.

She told me the next time I was in town to stop by and see her. You can bet your ass I'll be there! I'm looking forward to dipping my stick into that hot little packet of Sweet 'N Low.

I Wish I had Jesse’s Girl…At Least Until He Gets Out of Jail.

It was a long day at the Washateria. A riot almost broke out when the change machine ran out of quarters and the Mexicans still had a shit-ton of children's dresses and an assortment of tank tops to dry. Luckily, Buck at the truck stop saved the day and brought me a sack full of quarters before I had a full-scale Mexican revolution on my hands. Jesus knows you don’t want to stand in the way of a Mexican and the tight ass tank tops she wears to show off her flabulous belly rolls and premium FUPA!

Anyway, I am driving back into the park and I see Jesse arguing with Sylvia outside their trailer. He is in front of the bad ass Camaro that he has been rebuilding and she is standing alongside her half-dead fern planters.

Jesse is yelling at Sylvia about taking his carburetor out of the kitchen sink, where it was soaking in diesel or some shit. She tells him that he is a fuckin’ pussy and he comes ALIVE! Jesse pulls a fan belt off the front seat and proceeds to whippin’ her ass with it. Now, normally, I might get involved in a fiasco like this, but I know Syliva. She is a bad ass bitch who can handle herself. And, to be honest, I wanted to see Jesse get his ass kicked!

Sylvia manages to get away from him long enough to pick up one the porcelain fern planters and chunk it at his ass. She misses, and it hits the fender that he just got done Bondo-ing. Oh shit! As Jesse turns around to inspect the damage to his baby, Sylvia busts him upside the head with a Swifter Sweeper that just happened to be laying in the yard.

At this point, all the kids are pouring out of the trailer and have entered the fray. They start chunking rocks at Jesse’s dumb ass! (He is not their real daddy, so what do they care?) Pure bedlam I tell you!!! 

Right when this shit is starting to get good, the damn cops show up. They start going after Jesse’s ass, too, because now HE’S is throwing rocks and still wielding that fan belt trying to hit Sylvia and all of her trailer babies!  

I’m just sittin’ on the porch, drinking my 32 oz. Busch waiting for the finale. The finales to these things never disappoint. Years of living in this place have taught me to be patient and repeat the mantra, "Wait for it... wait for it!" because just when you think these situations can’t get any better…something even more absurd usually happens to cap it all off.

Then it came.

Jesse refused to stop running around chasing Sylvia and the kids with his fan belt. He’s swinging that shit around like a fuckin’ wild man! The cops pull out their Tasers and – just when Jesse is screaming something about “Fucking kids!” – they juice that sumbitch! They hit him right as he was rounding the front of the trailer and he collapses face-first into the hitch and it knocks him out cold! God Almighty! That was a finale better than I could’ve even made up! The cops proceed to handcuff his unconscious ass, throw him in the back of the squad car and drive away like nothing happened.

Now I have to tell you, at this point I felt the urge to go and love on Sylvia. I mean, fuck, she just got her ass whipped with a fan belt, the trailer babies were all stirred up and her man was taken to jail.

So I do my sexy stroll over to her place with a fresh 32 oz. and start lovin’ all over her whelped up ass. Long story short, I loved her ass all the way down to Funky Town. I wish I felt bad that I was bangin’ Jesse's girl while he was in the jail house. But I didn't. He should have thought about who was living across the street when he decided to start the Camaro fan belt fiasco! And like I said before, Sylvia held her own and that shit turned me on like nobody’s business. Fuck…Where can I find a woman like that?!?

The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Trailer 1B

Saturday evening at the Rig is a sight to behold. I like to call it “goin’ Riggin’.” That place is packed with the finest assortment of trailer park honeys that food stamps can buy. Unless you have some type of facial disfigurement, you are pretty much guaranteed to get laid. Wait, I take that back. Even Jordy, who has a tumor on his cheek that resembles two dogs fuckin’, got laid last week. So needless to say, this place is fuckin’ awesome!

I scope out the place and find my target for the evening. She’s drinking chablis (pronounced shab' less) through a straw straight from a plastic cup. Pure class! I make some small talk and learn her name is Jolene. I work up to telling her I want to drive my sausage truck straight to Tuna Town. She agrees she’d like to ride the Traylor Express, so we jump into my Dodge Neon and head to her place. 

When we get to her trailer, there are at least six kids running fuckin’ rampant outside! She proudly announces that they’re all hers! It was 2 a.m. by the way…I told you she was classy! She gets all her fuck trophies rounded up and tells them to go inside so we can have some alone time on her faux wood deck. After breaking out the boxed wine – which I’ve come to know and love in situations such as these – we start to get romanitcal. 

I unbutton her shorty shorts and, just as I’m about to start fingerbanging her, one of her whore babies walks out wearing these threadbare pajamas with Yodas, C-3P0s and shit all over them. In his nasty little hand he has a gotdamn trumpet! Jesus! Before I know it, he brings the horn up to his pursed love child lips and begins to play that shit like we are Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti in a back alley. What the fuck!? So here I am fingerbanging his momma under the table to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb in the key of G Minor! She keeps saying, “That’s so awesome sweetie!” I know she must be talking to me, because that kid couldn’t play for shit!

This is too much to take – even for me. So before he can start his rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, I look down at my pager and tell her it’s my buddy paging me code 6969, which means “your trailer is on fire” and that I have to go. She seems pretty disappointed – I think she was hoping I’d be lucky baby daddy #7. FUCK THAT!!!!

So I go back to my place and break out my Mexican midget porn and commence to lovin’ on myself. I’m sure it was more pleasurable than the abyss that was certainly Jolene.

Here’s hopin’ I have better luck riggin’ next weekend!

"Traylor" Park Wisdom #1: Bad Girls

Bad girls are always fun, but they aren't anyone you want to settle down with for good. Bad girls are like a County Fair. It's trashy, but a blast. The rides are always exciting in the beginning but, ultimately, they just end up making you puke and hate yourself. And, in the end, you always wind up with monkey poop on your shoes.