Monday, March 7, 2011

I Wish I had Jesse’s Girl…At Least Until He Gets Out of Jail.

It was a long day at the Washateria. A riot almost broke out when the change machine ran out of quarters and the Mexicans still had a shit-ton of children's dresses and an assortment of tank tops to dry. Luckily, Buck at the truck stop saved the day and brought me a sack full of quarters before I had a full-scale Mexican revolution on my hands. Jesus knows you don’t want to stand in the way of a Mexican and the tight ass tank tops she wears to show off her flabulous belly rolls and premium FUPA!

Anyway, I am driving back into the park and I see Jesse arguing with Sylvia outside their trailer. He is in front of the bad ass Camaro that he has been rebuilding and she is standing alongside her half-dead fern planters.

Jesse is yelling at Sylvia about taking his carburetor out of the kitchen sink, where it was soaking in diesel or some shit. She tells him that he is a fuckin’ pussy and he comes ALIVE! Jesse pulls a fan belt off the front seat and proceeds to whippin’ her ass with it. Now, normally, I might get involved in a fiasco like this, but I know Syliva. She is a bad ass bitch who can handle herself. And, to be honest, I wanted to see Jesse get his ass kicked!

Sylvia manages to get away from him long enough to pick up one the porcelain fern planters and chunk it at his ass. She misses, and it hits the fender that he just got done Bondo-ing. Oh shit! As Jesse turns around to inspect the damage to his baby, Sylvia busts him upside the head with a Swifter Sweeper that just happened to be laying in the yard.

At this point, all the kids are pouring out of the trailer and have entered the fray. They start chunking rocks at Jesse’s dumb ass! (He is not their real daddy, so what do they care?) Pure bedlam I tell you!!! 

Right when this shit is starting to get good, the damn cops show up. They start going after Jesse’s ass, too, because now HE’S is throwing rocks and still wielding that fan belt trying to hit Sylvia and all of her trailer babies!  

I’m just sittin’ on the porch, drinking my 32 oz. Busch waiting for the finale. The finales to these things never disappoint. Years of living in this place have taught me to be patient and repeat the mantra, "Wait for it... wait for it!" because just when you think these situations can’t get any better…something even more absurd usually happens to cap it all off.

Then it came.

Jesse refused to stop running around chasing Sylvia and the kids with his fan belt. He’s swinging that shit around like a fuckin’ wild man! The cops pull out their Tasers and – just when Jesse is screaming something about “Fucking kids!” – they juice that sumbitch! They hit him right as he was rounding the front of the trailer and he collapses face-first into the hitch and it knocks him out cold! God Almighty! That was a finale better than I could’ve even made up! The cops proceed to handcuff his unconscious ass, throw him in the back of the squad car and drive away like nothing happened.

Now I have to tell you, at this point I felt the urge to go and love on Sylvia. I mean, fuck, she just got her ass whipped with a fan belt, the trailer babies were all stirred up and her man was taken to jail.

So I do my sexy stroll over to her place with a fresh 32 oz. and start lovin’ all over her whelped up ass. Long story short, I loved her ass all the way down to Funky Town. I wish I felt bad that I was bangin’ Jesse's girl while he was in the jail house. But I didn't. He should have thought about who was living across the street when he decided to start the Camaro fan belt fiasco! And like I said before, Sylvia held her own and that shit turned me on like nobody’s business. Fuck…Where can I find a woman like that?!?

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